Last Resort
by munrochambers4ever
Summary: I couldn't. I was eating myself alive with guilt and pain and loss and emptiness and I just had to let go. I'm sorry. Maybe one day you'll all forgive me.


**Author's Note:** **i've been writing so much lately omg im on a roll. so many ideas and inspirations. you guys are gonna get so tired of me :)**

**Clare**  
>How could you do this? How could you be in that much pain that you would do this to yourself? What about CeCe and Bullfrog? Didn't you think of them? I can't help but blame myself for the pain I put you in. If this was my fault...If I ever find out that this was my fault, I will hate myself forever. I shouldn't have left you. I should have stayed by your side. I don't know, Eli, you should have just given me some time, some space. I would have came back to you. You know I would have. Deep down, I know that you knew I would come back to you. I was always going to come back to you. It's always been you. It always will be you. What do you expect me to do now that you're gone? Just move on? Like it's that simple? I don't love Jake like I loved you. I won't be able to love anyone like I loved you. I keep hoping that I'm gonna wake up and this will all be a dream and I can go back to school and see you smirk and wave at you and know that no matter what happens, everything is going to be okay. Eli, I miss you already. I've been missing you for months. I'm so sorry. I love you.<p>

**Adam**  
>Eli, man, I knew you were going through stuff, but why couldn't you just keep talking to me? Why couldn't you just tell me what was wrong? I would have helped you any way I could. I would have done anything. Anything. I feel like this is all my fault. I knew that you were going through more than you let show, but I didn't do anything about it. Eli, if you would have just told me...Dammit, Elijah, why did you have to go and fucking do this? You think it's the easier way out? You think you can just leave because you were feeling sad? What about Imogen? And Clare? And me? How can you think that leaving us is okay? What am I supposed to do now when no one wants to listen to me? Drew's always with Katie and Clare is always with Jake. Where am I supposed to go now to have someone accept me? You fucking asshole. Why can't you just come back. I want my best friend back. This isn't fair, Eli! I can't believe you. I just...I miss you.<p>

**Fiona**  
>Really, Eli? Really? You thought this was the only way out? There were more ways, Eli. There are always more ways than this. You could have talked to me. I could have helped you. I know we weren't that close, but I could have helped you with any problems you had. You knew that. You knew that I was just as screwed up as you. Truth is, Eli, I need you now. With Holly J gone, and Declan in another country, I have no one. And I know it's selfish, but I really really need you now. I can't cope with this alone. You left me with this giant mess and now I don't have anyone to help me through this. Please, just let this be a joke. I want you to jump out from behind something and yell "surprise" and tell me that everything is gonna be okay. I want you back, Eli. I need you back.<p>

**Imogen**  
>I knew it would happen. I think I was the only one who saw it, but I knew. I feel bad because I knew and I kept it to myself. That's pretty selfish, right? I don't know, I didn't see it that way. I could see it in your eyes, but I figured that you must need to do it, right? You wouldn't just do this for kicks. I know how strong you are, so if this was your only way out, things must have been pretty crazy. I wasn't gonna stop you and keep you in pain. In my opinion, that's more selfish than what I actually did. Or maybe you wanted someone to stop you. I guess those thoughts are always gonna keep me up at night. Eli, I miss you. I knew we never had anything special or big, but I really was in love with you. I would have done anything for you. I still would. I hope that you knew that when you left. I hope you knew that a lot of people cared about you. Maybe one day, I'll see you again. I know you don't belive in Heaven and that stuff, but I'm not so sure if I don't. Maybe somewhere, some day, we'll see each other. As fucked up as it is, I know you're happy now. I guess that's all I ever wanted for you. Maybe that's why I let you go. I love you, Eli.<p>

**Eli**  
><em>Mom. Dad. Anyone else that reads this, I'm sorry. That's a pretty lame thing to say right now, isn't it? It's pretty cliche too. Usually, I don't like cliche things, but it felt like the only thing to say right now. I'm sorry. I know that you're probably in shock or denial or you're crying. I can't really picture your reactions, but I know they can't be pretty. Mommy, I love you. I am so sorry for this. I know how much you love. I don't ever want you to think "did he know how much I love him" because I did. I love you more than anyone. You're the only girl that has ever truly stayed in my life and I'm so sorry for putting you through this. Please, mommy, please forgive me. I need you to forgive me. Dad, I'm sorry too. You were the best day anyone could ask for and I know you loved me too. I know that. I'm just so sorry for all of this. You always told me time makes things better. Give it a couple years - I'm sure you guys will be alright. You were the best parents. Believe me when I say that. And none of this was your fault. Never ever blame yourselves. There was just nothing you could do. There was nothing anyone could do. It were my own demons that pushed me to this. When you tell Clare and Adam and Fiona and Imogen, please tell them that this wasn't their faults and that I loved them all in different ways. Let them know that those four meant the world to me and where ever I go from here, I'll be watching them. They all changed me in ways I can't describe, and I will miss them all, but please tell them not to cry or blame themselves. Just tell them that I'm okay now and they will be okay one day too. Everyone will be okay. I just couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't wake up without Julia, go to school and see Clare in Jake's arms, hurt Imogen because I didn't love her that way, and complain to Adam and Fiona about my problems. I couldn't. I was eating myself alive with guilt and pain and loss and emptiness and I just had to let go. I'm sorry. Maybe one day you'll all forgive me. Hopefully it will be soon. I love you. I love all of you. Don't ever doubt that. <em>

_Eli._

**author's note: you know im not exactly sure where this came from. i just had the idea and bam. so eli killed himself. yeah. kfakjadghf this was actually kinda horrible. ok bye.**


End file.
